Mamma Monday: Rainbow Baby

This Mamma Monday post is by far the most personal post I’ve ever shared.

I’m a very private person, but I have grown to learn that God has called us to minister to one another and because of the ministry I received from others, I feel lead to do the same.  We are to bear each other’s burdens.  We simply do not exist in a bubble – although I find it comfortable at times.

Today I want to share with you about what it means to have a rainbow baby … pregnancy after loss.

After the turmoil and darkness of a storm, when light breaks through the clouds, sometimes we are lucky enough to see a rainbow.

The rainbow doesn’t erase the storm nor does the arrival of a new baby eclipse the tragedy of previous pregnancy loss.

The rainbow send a message of beauty, promise and hope to those who see it

This time last year Mr and I were quietly celebrating the joy of expecting a baby.  I say quietly because we kept our little blessing a secret from everyone.

Having a baby wasn’t something we knew we’d always do.  It’s not like we said never either.  But over the past 11 years of our relationship we’ve had other focus areas.  We were long distance while dating for 4 years and for the first 3 of marriage. I was concentrating on building my career in Charlotte and Mr was studying medicine in DC. Following his studies we united on the coast of NC for 3 years for his service in the US Navy.  It was Mr’s deployment to the Middle East that changed the game.

I had moved into our new home in Charlotte and began the reintegration process back into private sector living.  I thought I would just pick back up where I left off; work, Junior League, church, gal pals etc … Wrong! Being a naval officer’s wife with a husband gone for nearly a year made me feel like a unicorn & all alone.  At this time myself and all my gal pals were around early to mid 30’s and they were already starting to have babies.  I had a family but he wasn’t there (in person) and the cat as sweet as he is doesn’t count.

I began to notice the joy and love that grew in their lives.  Mr being amongst military saw how the men missed their families and wanted nothing more than to be home with them.  We both started to see that there is more to our family than just us two.

So when Mr returned home (there are literally no words to describe that feeling!) he was so eager to explore the idea of a party of 3 + cat.  I was more reserved as I let fear hold me down.  Fear of the detriments on my career, lifestyle, freedom, my figure etc…. 

We planned a trip to celebrate his return and our new life together in Charlotte to San Francisco & Napa for a week.  On that trip we enjoyed every minute of our time together in love. When we returned with Mr’s encouragement I made an appointment with my doctor to explore the option of a baby (I’ve had some health problems in that department).  He was encouraging and calmed my overwhelming fears letting me know that no matter what God had a plan for our family. Best doc ever!

And just like that the first week of October double lines on the test!!! Que freak out!  That was a Monday.  I took a test Tuesday and Wednesday and each time the extra line just got darker. I was stunned, so stunned that I waited until Friday to tell Mr.  I bought him a coffee mug that said ‘Dad’ on it and placed it front & center on the shelf so he couldn’t miss it.  I had also ordered him a t-shirt that said ‘Baby Daddy’ to put in his drawer but it hadn’t arrived and I couldn’t wait any longer.

He was overjoyed! I needed that gals.  I was so scared.  But we made an appointment to see my doc and it soon became very real.  I wasn’t sick and didn’t really have any physical changes other than extreme fatique.  I would look at our ultrasound pictures every day and Mr carried one in his wallet. 

I did decide to tell my 2 best friends since middle school as we had a gals trip the weekend before Thanksgiving.  They were so excited and it felt so good to share the news.  Then it was my sister’s birthday on Monday and what better gift than a card that says you’re going to be an aunt.  She cried and so did my Mamma.  Our plan was to tell our parents and siblings on Thanksgiving Day.

But then it was the day before Thanksgiving.  I went to pick up my race bib and t-shirt for the annual Charlotte 10k Turkey Trot that I would run early on turkey day.  When I got home and went to the bathroom it all fell apart.

I didn’t know what to do. It was like the world was in slow motion.  I had to tell Mr but I waited until he got home from work.

We both convinced ourselves that everything was ok that sometimes these things happen in the first trimester and all is good.

He had to work on Thanksgiving so thank goodness all my family came to our house that day.  I didn’t run my race and the nurse hotline had me set up for an appointment for Friday at 1pm.

I was busier than ever cooking and spending time with my family.  I was still the most worried I had ever been but it helped to not be alone.  The next day Mr had to go back to work but we were both so hopefully we never thought the worst would happen.  It did. 

The hours leading up to my appointment were torture.  When I went into that room I knew as soon as the screen came up that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.  I think mine stopped too.

I got dressed as fast as I possibly could and was moved into another room.  I sobbed. I sobbed harder than I ever had before.  I wanted to scream my lungs out but I just couldn’t.  It was unimaginable.  I was so alone.  My doc wasn’t there that day and the nurse just wanted to talk about my options as I was at 10 weeks.  I just couldn’t.  I needed to get out of there so I said I needed my husband and would call back. 

I sobbed the entire drive home not aware of my surroundings.  My sister called and I just wailed and she just stayed on the phone.  Mr had called as I walked into the door at home. My legs were barely holding me up.  I just pressed the answer button on my phone and he heard my cries and just said he’s coming home.  It took him an eternity as he couldn’t concentrate on driving.

He held me so tight and you know what he said … he said our baby will always have a brother or sister in heaven watching over.  I couldn’t have loved him more.

Here’s the ministry part.  My dearest sister at church had lost her baby the week before. We were due 10 days apart.  I failed to mention that our baby was due June 26^th the day before our 7 year wedding anniversary.

She sat on the phone and comforted me.  She encouraged me on what to do.  I went to my doctor on Monday and he held both our hands and prayed with us.  The next Tuesday I was scheduled for outpatient surgery and before they wheeled me in my doctor held my hand and prayed.  He told me I was brave and that Mr and I were courageous.  What?!!!  I’ve never thought of myself as brave before.  But I am.  I was faithful and fought my fears to carry this baby.  I was brave to be a Mamma.

Mr and I did our best to heal by putting up a Christmas Tree that afternoon – well he did and I rested.

I felt completely empty.  My belly was hollow.

Every day was a new day but a lonely day as our baby wasn’t with us. 

I was hurting beyond measure and Mr encouraged me to reach out to my sisters at church. Being a private person I was in no way going to do that. Mr was struggling too.  Working in the ER he often treats situations such as ours and he felt so helpless.

But this was bigger than me.  I just prayed and prayed constantly for God to heal our hearts.

I wrote an email to my dear gal pals telling them what had happened.

I received more love than I could have imagined. They prayed hard and offered hope with scripture.  I now knew what it meant to minister to one another. I had received the love of God through these women.

This post is my longest ever and if your still reading please know that my goal is that I could be that ministry to someone else.

I placed a picture of this baby in a locket and wear it from time to time when I’m miss him.  We don’t know if our baby was a boy or girl but I think boy.  I imagine him as Vivian’s big brother looking out for her.  We never gave our baby a name.  We will one day when we are ready. I came across the name ‘Vivian’ which means “Life” earlier this year and knew that if we ever had a baby girl that would be her name.  It’s all we prayed for, life.

Mr also keeps an ultrasound picture of both our babies in his wallet.

I’ll never hold our first baby in my arms here on Earth, but one day I will in heaven.  God has our baby with him and I rejoice knowing that.

With each month after, it was hard to embrace the idea of trying for another baby but I gave it up to God.  I even hosted a baby shower for a gal at church and as hard as it was I found healing celebrating her blessing and knowing that ours was coming again one day.

It wasn’t until May that I saw those double lines again and this time I told Mr immediately.  He shook with tears of joy.  This baby isn’t without it’s struggles.  I did have a trip to the ER with a similar situation but this time all was ok. 

I’ve also been throwing up and having 24/7 nausea since the first month and it hasn’t stopped now at 27 ½ weeks.  But I find peace knowing she’s safe and sound in my belly and I will endure anything for her!

Our faith and love for God has grown through these times and I’ve opened up to my sisters at church who have been the greatest blessings over the past year.

There are so many women out there who have the pain of losing their babies and yet we don’t share it.

Every day I’m grateful to God for giving us Vivian and even still I miss our first baby every day. 

Mr has never forgotten our first baby and always prays for both of our children. He reminds me that God has given us two. Bless that loving man of mine!

I wear my necklace with our baby’s picture in it whenever I’m sad or just missing him. Now it hits my growing belly and I smile having my two babies with me.

One of my sisters sent me these verses to help me heal.  I read them all the time and hope that they may just help you too.

1 Samuel 1:27-28

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to Him.  Therefore I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord."

Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Just as you do not know how the life breath enters the human frame in the mother's womb, So you do not know the work of God who is working in everything."

Mark 10:13-16

"And they were bringing children to Him, that He might touch them; and the disciples rebuked them.  But when Jesus saw it He was indignant, and said to them, "Let the children come to me, do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of God.  Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it."  And He took them in His arms and blessed them, laying His hands upon them."

Isaiah 56:4-5

4 For thus says the LORD,
         “To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths,
         And choose what pleases Me,
         And hold fast My covenant,

5To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial,
         And a name better than that of sons and daughters;
         I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off.

Being a Mamma isn’t easy it takes bravery and to all those Mamma’s who’ve seen the rainbow I pray for you!

Maybe you have loss in a different way.  Pray.  Reach out for ministry.

And on a fashion note, consider a locket like mine to hold a precious memory.

Dress Your Heart Beautifully and Look for the Rainbow After the Storm

XOXO Sarah Louise

Mamma Monday: Accessorizing the Bump

Happy Monday!  Most Monday's I'm mourning the loss of the weekend and return to the weekday grind but this week I'm refreshed and ready.  

This past weekend was full of firsts as I went camping in the NC mountains with some gal pals from church. See my Instagram for pics. I have never slept in a tent before much less cooked food over a fire.  But this fancy pants of a lady roughed it (there was plumbing) with the best of them.  I've been looking forward to this wilderness escape since we started planning it over the summer and I had more fun that I ever imagined.  We hiked, star gazed and enjoyed the peace in awe of the quiet beauty around us.

We also shared quite a few laughs!

Being pregnant has it's list of firsts, a long list! And they aren't all glowing. I'll say it - I'm not a fan of the physical changes! It's bad enough I throw my guts up on a daily basis and am so tired I feel as though I'm walking around with weights on my eye lids but the expansion of my figure is traumatizing.  That's a bit harsh - how about just foreign and uncomfortable. 

You see, I've been a very healthy fit person my whole life eating extremely nutritious food and killing it in the gym on a daily basis.  I truly mourn the loss of my muscle tone and ability to do high intensity exercises.  I'm still working out as much as I can but the weights aren't nearly as heavy and there are just some exercises that I just can't stomach. 

But for nearly 26 weeks Mr, friends and strangers point out that I'm much smaller than most Mammas at my stage. I know, I'm literally having a pity party but it's all relative.  

I know I'm not the only gal that misses her bikini bod and it doesn't mean I love baby girl any less - I'm just being real gals. 

So I'm going to do my very best to embrace my new figure and that means dressing it beautifully.

Since maternity dressing is so temporary and comes with limited options I find it important to style the ensembles with accessories. There are very few accessories that can not be carried from pre pregnancy - belts are pretty much it.

So here are some of my favorites for my bump or even when I don't have a bump ...

Statement Gold Earrings - I've wanted these for a long time.  If I don't get them soon I'll probably add them to my Christmas list.  I find that statement earrings draw attention upwards to the face and have an elongating effect. In gold they go with everything transforming a simple look into something snazzy.

Silk Scarf- I'm pretty sure I'm going to be bringing this one home.  I'm not a fan of big thick scarves but rather the classic silk ones.  They're lighter weight and less smothering.  I also love the vintage print and colors on this one. Worn long down the body it can make you appear taller and add interest to a solid outfit.

Locket Necklace - I have this one and it holds very special ultrasound pictures in it.  This makes a great gift too.

Fur Vest - I have this one but in pink! I purchased in my normal size and can still zip it - for now.  Mr, my sister and a few gal pals shake their head and express their unsolicited dislike of the pink fur. I don't care I love it but if you're not as forward in your style this burgundy or navy option are more neutral.  It will keep you warm while still leaving your arms free.

Plaid Poncho - for all sizes of gals in a classic simple plaid, it's a piece you will wear for years.  It's like being bundled up in your favorite blanket.  I like that this one is not so bulky and overwhelming. It's also freeing on the arms.  I'll probably get this one too, especially if it goes on sale.  This poncho is nice on days that you feel more comfortable concealed.

Bow Slides - I ordered these a couple weeks ago and love them! I went a half size up.  They remind me of a tuxedo. And though they are a bit fancy I plan to contrast them with distress jeans and a crisp white shirt.  Slides are the key to shoes for pregnant gals.  Bending is just impossible at a certain point so slip ons are a lifesaver.

Ring Crossbody Bag - I'm about to add this one to my wish list.  Ring bags are a blend of jewelry and handbags.  I like that this one has a cross body strap when you don't want to wear it like a bracelet and has an edgy look with studs.  It will be a nice touch to all my girlie pieces. I only worry it's not big enough to hold my essentials but I can't seem to find it in stores to touch.

Your accessories are a great way to express your personality and look put together.  It is hard parting with your old wardrobe but at least you can keep the extras in use!

Dress Your Bump Beautifully with Accessories

XOXO Sarah Louise 

Gal Pal Gift Guide

Tis better to give than to receive!

I have mixed feelings about this gift giving season. I love to bless others but I'm not so keen on the pressure to buy and feel that there are better ways to show your love than gifts.  Like quality time - priceless!

There are tons of gift guides floating around out there, just check your Instagram and Pinterest if you're stuck for ideas. With that I'm going to leave all that effort to all the other bloggers, but what I will share with you what I'm actually gifting my gal pals this year.

It is with great intention that I designed this post around my gal pals.  We all have them and we all need them. Amen?!  My gal pals have been beyond instrumental in my life.  They love me and pray for me.  They are right by my side cheering the good times and drying my tears on the bad times.

Girlfriends are the sisters I chose for myself

 Locket || Picture Frame || Wine Glasses || Candle || Present Over Perfect - Grace Not Perfection  ||

Let's break these treasures down ...

Wine Glasses - Everyone loves to cheers and with their beautiful gold leaf base, these are a unique must have.  They also come from one of my favorite shops ever! #shopsmall 

Locket - A timeless classic bauble that's not only pretty but sentimental.  Place pictures of those who are nearest and dearest to you inside.  I actually own this one and I feel special when I wear it.  I also love the modern design of a longer chain.  Great gift for Mamma's!

Candle - If you've ever had one of these burning in your home then you know why it's such a lovely gift.  It truly is the most amazing smell!

Picture Frame - We post and post and post. But I like the traditional way of viewing the moments with a hard copy framed picture.  We've become lazy. Snap a pic on your phone and with just a couple clicks, a filter and a few hashtags it's out for the world to see.  It really only takes the same amount of clicks to send it to Target and you can pick it up as soon as an hour.  And y'all let's be real, we're at Target all the time. As for frames, I typically grab mine at Homegoods but at this time of year there are all kinds of specials and sales at all the home decor stores.  

How sweet it is to display those precious memories, filling your home with the smiles of those you love.

Books - I believe it's important to turn off the noise.  I'm talking no phone, tv, iPad, computer; you know all those sites/social media that suck you in for hours.  Gals, you can't get those hours of your life back and more often than not you close out feeling inadequate.  I'm thrilled to be gifting these books (and receiving for myself) this year.  It's not about perfection in the world's eyes but about presence and grace in God's eyes. Comparison is the thief of joy.  Hold on tight to your blessings!

All of these gifts are modestly priced and are great for absolutely any gal regardless of her style or interests.  

I encourage you to give with love this year and challenge you embrace the gift of face to face time.

Dress Your Gift Giving Beautifully

XOXO Sarah Louise