Mamma Monday: Rainbow Baby

This Mamma Monday post is by far the most personal post I’ve ever shared.

I’m a very private person, but I have grown to learn that God has called us to minister to one another and because of the ministry I received from others, I feel lead to do the same.  We are to bear each other’s burdens.  We simply do not exist in a bubble – although I find it comfortable at times.

Today I want to share with you about what it means to have a rainbow baby … pregnancy after loss.

After the turmoil and darkness of a storm, when light breaks through the clouds, sometimes we are lucky enough to see a rainbow.

The rainbow doesn’t erase the storm nor does the arrival of a new baby eclipse the tragedy of previous pregnancy loss.

The rainbow send a message of beauty, promise and hope to those who see it

This time last year Mr and I were quietly celebrating the joy of expecting a baby.  I say quietly because we kept our little blessing a secret from everyone.

Having a baby wasn’t something we knew we’d always do.  It’s not like we said never either.  But over the past 11 years of our relationship we’ve had other focus areas.  We were long distance while dating for 4 years and for the first 3 of marriage. I was concentrating on building my career in Charlotte and Mr was studying medicine in DC. Following his studies we united on the coast of NC for 3 years for his service in the US Navy.  It was Mr’s deployment to the Middle East that changed the game.

I had moved into our new home in Charlotte and began the reintegration process back into private sector living.  I thought I would just pick back up where I left off; work, Junior League, church, gal pals etc … Wrong! Being a naval officer’s wife with a husband gone for nearly a year made me feel like a unicorn & all alone.  At this time myself and all my gal pals were around early to mid 30’s and they were already starting to have babies.  I had a family but he wasn’t there (in person) and the cat as sweet as he is doesn’t count.

I began to notice the joy and love that grew in their lives.  Mr being amongst military saw how the men missed their families and wanted nothing more than to be home with them.  We both started to see that there is more to our family than just us two.

So when Mr returned home (there are literally no words to describe that feeling!) he was so eager to explore the idea of a party of 3 + cat.  I was more reserved as I let fear hold me down.  Fear of the detriments on my career, lifestyle, freedom, my figure etc…. 

We planned a trip to celebrate his return and our new life together in Charlotte to San Francisco & Napa for a week.  On that trip we enjoyed every minute of our time together in love. When we returned with Mr’s encouragement I made an appointment with my doctor to explore the option of a baby (I’ve had some health problems in that department).  He was encouraging and calmed my overwhelming fears letting me know that no matter what God had a plan for our family. Best doc ever!

And just like that the first week of October double lines on the test!!! Que freak out!  That was a Monday.  I took a test Tuesday and Wednesday and each time the extra line just got darker. I was stunned, so stunned that I waited until Friday to tell Mr.  I bought him a coffee mug that said ‘Dad’ on it and placed it front & center on the shelf so he couldn’t miss it.  I had also ordered him a t-shirt that said ‘Baby Daddy’ to put in his drawer but it hadn’t arrived and I couldn’t wait any longer.

He was overjoyed! I needed that gals.  I was so scared.  But we made an appointment to see my doc and it soon became very real.  I wasn’t sick and didn’t really have any physical changes other than extreme fatique.  I would look at our ultrasound pictures every day and Mr carried one in his wallet. 

I did decide to tell my 2 best friends since middle school as we had a gals trip the weekend before Thanksgiving.  They were so excited and it felt so good to share the news.  Then it was my sister’s birthday on Monday and what better gift than a card that says you’re going to be an aunt.  She cried and so did my Mamma.  Our plan was to tell our parents and siblings on Thanksgiving Day.

But then it was the day before Thanksgiving.  I went to pick up my race bib and t-shirt for the annual Charlotte 10k Turkey Trot that I would run early on turkey day.  When I got home and went to the bathroom it all fell apart.

I didn’t know what to do. It was like the world was in slow motion.  I had to tell Mr but I waited until he got home from work.

We both convinced ourselves that everything was ok that sometimes these things happen in the first trimester and all is good.

He had to work on Thanksgiving so thank goodness all my family came to our house that day.  I didn’t run my race and the nurse hotline had me set up for an appointment for Friday at 1pm.

I was busier than ever cooking and spending time with my family.  I was still the most worried I had ever been but it helped to not be alone.  The next day Mr had to go back to work but we were both so hopefully we never thought the worst would happen.  It did. 

The hours leading up to my appointment were torture.  When I went into that room I knew as soon as the screen came up that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.  I think mine stopped too.

I got dressed as fast as I possibly could and was moved into another room.  I sobbed. I sobbed harder than I ever had before.  I wanted to scream my lungs out but I just couldn’t.  It was unimaginable.  I was so alone.  My doc wasn’t there that day and the nurse just wanted to talk about my options as I was at 10 weeks.  I just couldn’t.  I needed to get out of there so I said I needed my husband and would call back. 

I sobbed the entire drive home not aware of my surroundings.  My sister called and I just wailed and she just stayed on the phone.  Mr had called as I walked into the door at home. My legs were barely holding me up.  I just pressed the answer button on my phone and he heard my cries and just said he’s coming home.  It took him an eternity as he couldn’t concentrate on driving.

He held me so tight and you know what he said … he said our baby will always have a brother or sister in heaven watching over.  I couldn’t have loved him more.

Here’s the ministry part.  My dearest sister at church had lost her baby the week before. We were due 10 days apart.  I failed to mention that our baby was due June 26^th the day before our 7 year wedding anniversary.

She sat on the phone and comforted me.  She encouraged me on what to do.  I went to my doctor on Monday and he held both our hands and prayed with us.  The next Tuesday I was scheduled for outpatient surgery and before they wheeled me in my doctor held my hand and prayed.  He told me I was brave and that Mr and I were courageous.  What?!!!  I’ve never thought of myself as brave before.  But I am.  I was faithful and fought my fears to carry this baby.  I was brave to be a Mamma.

Mr and I did our best to heal by putting up a Christmas Tree that afternoon – well he did and I rested.

I felt completely empty.  My belly was hollow.

Every day was a new day but a lonely day as our baby wasn’t with us. 

I was hurting beyond measure and Mr encouraged me to reach out to my sisters at church. Being a private person I was in no way going to do that. Mr was struggling too.  Working in the ER he often treats situations such as ours and he felt so helpless.

But this was bigger than me.  I just prayed and prayed constantly for God to heal our hearts.

I wrote an email to my dear gal pals telling them what had happened.

I received more love than I could have imagined. They prayed hard and offered hope with scripture.  I now knew what it meant to minister to one another. I had received the love of God through these women.

This post is my longest ever and if your still reading please know that my goal is that I could be that ministry to someone else.

I placed a picture of this baby in a locket and wear it from time to time when I’m miss him.  We don’t know if our baby was a boy or girl but I think boy.  I imagine him as Vivian’s big brother looking out for her.  We never gave our baby a name.  We will one day when we are ready. I came across the name ‘Vivian’ which means “Life” earlier this year and knew that if we ever had a baby girl that would be her name.  It’s all we prayed for, life.

Mr also keeps an ultrasound picture of both our babies in his wallet.

I’ll never hold our first baby in my arms here on Earth, but one day I will in heaven.  God has our baby with him and I rejoice knowing that.

With each month after, it was hard to embrace the idea of trying for another baby but I gave it up to God.  I even hosted a baby shower for a gal at church and as hard as it was I found healing celebrating her blessing and knowing that ours was coming again one day.

It wasn’t until May that I saw those double lines again and this time I told Mr immediately.  He shook with tears of joy.  This baby isn’t without it’s struggles.  I did have a trip to the ER with a similar situation but this time all was ok. 

I’ve also been throwing up and having 24/7 nausea since the first month and it hasn’t stopped now at 27 ½ weeks.  But I find peace knowing she’s safe and sound in my belly and I will endure anything for her!

Our faith and love for God has grown through these times and I’ve opened up to my sisters at church who have been the greatest blessings over the past year.

There are so many women out there who have the pain of losing their babies and yet we don’t share it.

Every day I’m grateful to God for giving us Vivian and even still I miss our first baby every day. 

Mr has never forgotten our first baby and always prays for both of our children. He reminds me that God has given us two. Bless that loving man of mine!

I wear my necklace with our baby’s picture in it whenever I’m sad or just missing him. Now it hits my growing belly and I smile having my two babies with me.

One of my sisters sent me these verses to help me heal.  I read them all the time and hope that they may just help you too.

1 Samuel 1:27-28

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to Him.  Therefore I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord."

Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Just as you do not know how the life breath enters the human frame in the mother's womb, So you do not know the work of God who is working in everything."

Mark 10:13-16

"And they were bringing children to Him, that He might touch them; and the disciples rebuked them.  But when Jesus saw it He was indignant, and said to them, "Let the children come to me, do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of God.  Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it."  And He took them in His arms and blessed them, laying His hands upon them."

Isaiah 56:4-5

4 For thus says the LORD,
         “To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths,
         And choose what pleases Me,
         And hold fast My covenant,

5To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial,
         And a name better than that of sons and daughters;
         I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off.

Being a Mamma isn’t easy it takes bravery and to all those Mamma’s who’ve seen the rainbow I pray for you!

Maybe you have loss in a different way.  Pray.  Reach out for ministry.

And on a fashion note, consider a locket like mine to hold a precious memory.

Dress Your Heart Beautifully and Look for the Rainbow After the Storm

XOXO Sarah Louise